How to Be Attractive to Women: Five Great Role Models
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The Most Beautiful Introduction You'll Ever Read
A more humble man than me you will not find. I would not presume to be the most attractive force in the Universe. We all know that's gravity. I am, however, a close second. Recognizing this scientific fact is no doubt what drove The Pink Umbrella, inflamed in existential quandry over my magnetic power, to request I explain in detail how I became so attractive to the ladies. Hey, and while I'm at why don't I just prove the existence of god and divide by zero? No, of course I can't unveil mysteries so fantastically profound they could rupture Archimedes' ballsack. I can, however, do as the great mystics have done for the divine mysteries and use a system of apophatic thought, the via negativa, approaching these truths by discovering what they're not. Yes, I can do that. But I won't. Instead, I'm just going to give a list of my personal role models for dealing with the ladies, great Confessors and Martyrs of the Holy Church of Gettin'-Lotsa-Tail. Gird thy loins and walk with me on this musky, semen-stained journey.
- Selleck Waterfall Sandwich
I beg your pardon?
5. Tom Selleck
A few perverse women seem to like boys. But most women like men. And men have hairy chests. Some women don't even realize it. They think they like hairless men, but they can't take their eyes off the hairy-chested man squeezing cantaloupes for just the perfect ripeness in the grocery store.The beauty always wants the beast; Little Red Riding Hood yearns for her big bad wolf.
Students, however much your bodybuilding magazine or that prissy metrosexual website you frequent tells you body hair removal is a must, don't listen! Nobody but that gay photographer who wears the polka dot neckerchief will appreciate your efforts. Seriously, if you want to be a male model and the photographer says "Get some Nair!" you do what he says. Otherwise, limit yourself to topiary.
4. Oscar Wilde
Just because a man's gay doesn't mean we can't learn from him. Wilde believed there to be only two types of people: the charming and the boring. What are charming and boring people like? As Wilde once said, "All bad poetry is sincere." Similarly, all boring people are sincere. The boring are prudes, moralists, bleeding hearts, so damned earnest it hurts--really, it's hurting all of us. They have no depths. The charming are insincere on the surface, like a good poem, but replete with teasing depths. Their tickling deceptions lead us to something greater: amusement.
Ladies will care what you really think and feel in good time. Before that, you have to be charming and amuse them. Spring some innuendo, turn a clever phrase, feel free to playfully deceive and wittily confuse; it's a joyous deception and a blessed confusion. Charming banter is the tango of the mind, sensually twisting words and concepts unexpectedly, stimulating areas of the brain rarely activated. So the whole lady becomes excited and so do you. It's fun, innocent, and everyone comes away happy. As Donald O'Connor put it, "Make 'em laugh!"
Greatest Hits
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3. Fabio
What? Fabio?! You hate that guy, right? Hear me out. What we learn from him is not, "Avoid rollercosters and geese," but simply to be physically attractive. If long, blond hair will make you look better, then grow long hair and dye it blond. If you find you look better with long sideburns, then grow them. Exercise to get your body and your face lean. Perhaps most importantly, learn to dress well. So few men are good dressers. Take some time to find what really suits you. Browse eBay; you can do it in your underwear. For the love of all that's holy, don't wear khaki shorts, sandals, and long socks, unless you're a scoutmaster taking the boys out. (Note: If you're a scoutmaster, stop reading and just go watch that episode of Tru Blood you recorded from a few nights ago.)
Another lesson to learn from Fabio is that once you become attractive, you should get your mug out there. An odd principle of human psychology is that repetition tends to make beautiful. Not just repetition to an individual eye, but repetition amongst others. Any face that is consistently seen will become a pleasing one. The more a face is seen and the more people it's seen by, the more its innate attractive powers will be amplified. David Duchovny is a fairly attractive guy, but constantly being on TV has made him a god. So take lots of pictures of yourself and throw them on your blog. Don't do fantasy-themed photos, though. Just because it worked for Fabio doesn't mean you won't just come off as a D&D nerd or, worse, a LARPer.
2. Benny Hill
Saintly sculptures have their uses and none of them involve the bedroom. You've tucked your libido with a Prince Albert chain and you're smoothly pressed in your navy suit of androgynous beauty. A lady likes to see a little disorder, that crease a little displaced by a mysterious but manly swelling. You have to let your libido free.
There are many reasons to watch Benny Hill. Learning this lesson is one of them. Benny is always chasing after scantily clad girls, usually in undercranked action. The sheer libidinous energy on display is a model to us all. I was a monk once; I know all about repressing sexuality. Nobody's interested in monks, except maybe other monks--that's their dirty secret. Libido has to be set free and undercranked. Let it run wild and the scantily clad girls will come running to you.
1. Pepe le Pew
Halt! Before you laugh, student, keep in mind Pepe is the greatest of us all, he who gets the most tail (literally), the Wise One, the Theologian, He Who Knows All the Secerts, and, most importantly, Number One on This List. Pepe's great secret is this: be absolutely certain, at all times, that every remotely attractive female is madly in love with you. Every action she takes or word she speaks to the contrary is to be interpreted as just more evidence of her burning passion for you. If, however, she sincerely tells you, "Please go away, I'm calling the police," then just recognize that she herself is not yet ready to accept the love she feels for you. She'll come around after you give her space. And if she never does realize how much she loves you, she will go through the rest of her life lonely and empty. It's all true.
That Apophatic Thing
I did mention that I could tell you what being attractive to women is not. All those horrendous 'seduction artist' books and videos that tell you how to manipulate women in clubs, to make them come home with you in a night no matter what you look like, etc.--those, my students, are not telling you how to be attractive! They're telling you how to be manipulative little twats. They may or may not work on a lot of women. Their effectiveness is beside the point. In Citizen Kane, Everett Sloane says, "It's easy to make a lot of money if all you want to do is make a lot of money." He's right. If you devote all of your time and energy just to making lots of money, making lots of it is surprisingly easy. Similarly, it's easy to get a lot of girls into bed if all you want to do is get a lot of girls into bed. This article is not about getting lots of girls into bed; it's about being attractive. Seduction artists are boring; attractive people are charming. Attractive men don't have to seduce anyone, they simply are seductive.
A Few Good Men
- carolina muscle on HubPages
One of the funniest guys on HubPages. - Ben Zoltak on HubPages
One of the coolest people on HubPages, he likes the ladies and owes me a beer. - Mike Lickteig on HubPages
One of the nicest guys on HubPages. He once liberated India using passive resistance. He also punched a shark to save a puppy. (At least one of those is not true.)
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Fascinating and endearing selection of role models, AW. Gentlemen can learn a lot about what ladies find appealing from your most diverse choices.
And I applaud your inclusion of Oscar Wilde, one of the wittiest in the group. It was Wilde who uttered one of my favorite quotes: "When you tell people bad news, make them laugh. Otherwise, they will kill you."
Thanks for your iconoclastic and hilarious discourse.
Arthur, while all these pale in comparison to the Windermere charm, I must admit to a Tom Selleck crush but am reserved about the Pepe le Pew advice. Unless done carefully, a man could end up with the police discovering his homemade shrine in the back of the warehouse where he has been living. BUT he will no doubt feel confident as they take him away on charges of stalking.
The misguided apophatic thing
That promises to make you king
Is nothing but a pack of lies
For women truly do despise
Assumptions that they drink white wine
Or give a damn about your sign
Your business card? A social gaff
And not the way to make them laugh.
It is the teasing gentle dance
Of mind to mind that will entrance.
Now I am off to your last hub to pay greater tribute. Nicely done! :)
Ah Arthur you have wooed me yet again with your wisdom and biting wit. Although I am a fan of everyone on your list including Monsieur LePew I have to agree with Jane, Oscar is by far the most appealing, probably because of the irresistible fusion of smarts, style, a fine taste in clothing and sophisticated humor - a winning combination. Change the sexual orientation and voila..the perfect man. Hey,...I married such a guy.
hahahaha, i love it! oh my god, you turned my silly question into an amazing hub!...how does he do it?
I love that you linked me, giving me a possible increase in traffic, too.
I loooooooooved this, Arthur, really...thumbs up!
Hey Jane,
Exactly. Now you know a little of how I've taken your heart completely into my possession and made you mad with love and lust for me. Of course, mystique can't be taught and 90% of my secrets remain locked in Platonic heaven.
Get my whisky ready, Miss Kitty. hehe
Cheers!
Hey Doc,
"One of the wittiest"? I think Wilde is hands down the wittiest. He may be the wittiest man to ever walk the Earth. That's a great quote, incidentally. hehe
Thanks for dropping by. Hey, you noticing it's only women commenting on this hub? I guess the guys on HubPages are just too awesome to need this advice, right?
Cheers!
Hey SilverGenes,
Why thank you. I'm impressed to see your awareness of Science has brought you to the conclusion of my superior attractive powers. ;)
lol well the true Pepe le Pew follower would never build a shrine to a girl--after all, all cute girls have already built a shrine to him. But students should indeed be cautious of the potentially fine line between Pepe and Bunny Boiler.
Oh, haha, charming little poem there! And all very true. I hope readers are paying attention. They'll be tested on this.
By the way, did you click the link to that Selleck Waterfall Sandwich thing? It is truly bizarre. I can't help but be a little mesmerized. If you like waterfalls, Tom Selleck, and sandwiches, why not enjoy all three of 'em at once? I guess.
Cheers!
Hey Green Lotus,
Aha! Why thank you. So pleased my powers, on fine display in this hub, have drawn so many fine ladies. hehe
You see, this is why Oscar's influence must be coupled with Tom Selleck's influence. All that sophistication and good dress-sense just makes it too easy to become effeminate. We men must walk with hair on our chests, if not physically at least metaphorically--as I'm sure your husband does.
Thanks for dropping by and spreading the positivity.
Cheers!
You know, I completely missed that the first time around and just clicked it now - truly bizarre, but then that's Tumblr. Love that site! LOL. Tom Selleck, waterfalls and sandwiches... ok we have just visited someone's idea of heaven? The audio is totally necessary in order to enjoy the experience to the fullest! Thank you for pointing that out or I would have missed hallucinogenic gold! Thanks :))
Hey Pinkie,
Well I have to thank you for inspiring this hub and for saving countless men from years of rejection, low self-esteem, and Sasha Gray videos. We just cheated the adult video industry out of millions of dollars.
But seriously, glad you enjoyed it! I am truly amazing. hehehe
Cheers!
Hey SilverGenes,
haha on some subconscious level, maybe you wanted to miss it. After finding that site, I tried my hand at something similar and this was the result: http://farm5.static.flickr.com/4099/4797879853_079 - Kirsty Alley upscale hotel room goathead impalement. I'm sure it'd make a catchy theme song.
The perfect man? I only know of one................
The Apophatic Thing, boring........... and not at all attractive......... you have completely pegged that one! Great list........... lots of fun! Kaie
Ok so now I am laughing so hard I can't type! What did you google????
Fabio? Pepe? Who the hell are these guys? How come their names are on your list and not mine? I mean have you seen my chest?
Thanks for the giggle, even if you are not the world's sexiest (you can't be, because I am! LOL!), you at least raised a grin!
Love and peace
Tony
Loved the photos you are so cool......lol I think that one of the most sexy parts of a man besides the obvious is a sense of humor and you seem to have loads of it.....great hub!!!
An interesting list of role models indeed, and apparently an effective one--you do seem to have quite the following. I hadn't thought of Pepe Le Pew in years, but he was quite the charmer.
Thanks for mentioning me, by the way..... I appreciate all the pub I can get, and perhaps I might even gain a fan or two myself, given my exploits in India and/or my encounter with the shark now stand revealed to the world!
Another fun read, Arthur--thanks.
Mike
Hey Kaie,
You flatter me! But I must admit I have one flaw. I'm too humble. ;)
Thanks for dropping by.
Cheers!
Hey SilverGenes,
The Kirsty Alley thing? I didn't google it. I made it with my own two hands! Photoshop. I also made a picture of Corey Haim as the moon assaulting an Ernest Borgnine wedding cake on the African veldt. But Haim passed away shortly after I made it and I feel that sort of incriminating evidence should be hidden out of respect for the man.
Hey Tony,
hahaha right on! The spirit of Pepe is strong with you. I look forward to reading your list in a future hub. ;)
Cheers!
Hey Dawn,
Welcome amongst the legion of my adoring ladyfans! hehehe But hey, don't worry, every single one of you is special.
Seriously, thanks for the kind words.
Cheers!
Hey Mike,
Pepe's brilliance took quite a while to dawn on me. I thought him nearly a rapist as a child. But no, he was helping those stripe-painted cats realize that he's what they were waiting for their whole lives. hehe
Cheers!
Well now I am well and truly impressed. Your talents know no bounds and I hope this is appropriately tagged so others looking for such a thing can find it. An Earnest Borgnine wedding cake on the African veldt is such an innocent confection that I can fully understand not wanting to show that side of Haim.
I've come twice and see that this requires a tongue in cheek comment. Can't come up with one I'm afraid. Perhaps because that is not what I like to do with my tongue... Enjoyable read though.
"I've come twice" - Wow, Randy, I knew I was good, but sometimes I even impress myself. ;)
Glad you enjoyed it.
Cheers!
hahaha.... there is some real solid advice here, I think... Pepe LePew's persistance always won out in the end!
Hey carolina muscle,
hehe exactly, Pepe is a lovegod.
Thanks for stopping by!
Cheers!
Nice hub. Joining your fan club to stay connected and would like to invite you too.
Hi FashionFame,
I dunno. I'm not convinced you even read my hub. It wouldn't be fair if I treated you equally to those who clearly do read my articles, right?
Cheers!
Ummm... While there is no question as to the strength of your magnetism and charm, why did you forget Chuck Norris? If you were to google facts about him, you would realize that he can divide by zero.
Maybe we need a hub on Arthur Windermere Facts.
Namaste.
Your intro, and especially that first picture: absolute brilliance. Best thing I've read all week.
OKAY, I've been teaching Driver's Ed for a few monthes, painting some, languishing on the tetherline of obligation only to return to find AW taking photog opps all too seriously, haha. Alright, going to read the words now...dot dot dot
Archimedes' ballsack is highlighted...
Tom Selleck's hair is championed...
Oscar Wilde turns a phrase and dances a tanguendo....
...skipped the Fabio paragraph, brutal honesty here ... but that's not an apology...elipse
...I applaud your use of "scantily clad " in your Benny Hill rendering, I speak from the Authority of Ben Clan...
..I find a glaring parrallel between your justification of Pepe Le Pew and your Canadian global position
Just killed a mosquito and finished my last beer.
Hope you are well my friend, and working on that tan, the ladies you know, they dig bronze.
Who stole the kishka? The entire blood sausage? It was I, I stole it and ate it with aged cabbage. Now there's sexy for you mofo, well, maybe with a side of trembling muss melons.
Hasta luego hombre
Ben
Hey Namaste,
Actually, if you browse through some of my hubs, you'll find Epigramman has been producing Arthur Windermere Facts for some time. hahaha Some of them are great. For instance, on my Mysterious Places hub, "2. He rewrote the entire Magna Carta and The Declaration of Independence and made the Kama Sutra out of it!!!" - Absolutely true, of course.
Cheers!
Hey Simone,
I know.
Haha just kidding. Thanks so much! High praise from HubPages Staff no less. Thanks for dropping by.
Cheers!
Hey Ben,
So, how many beers preceded that "last beer" anyway? ;)
"Too seriously"? Ben, Ben, when the Good Lord created me he told me, "You I have made to bring joy to the hearts of all the internet-using ladies on my Green Earth." So there you go, can't argue with that. And the results speak for themselves. Look at all the ladies on my hubs. I rest my case.
Glad you dropped by with that hilarious drunken ramble, my friend. hehehe Hope all's well in WisCANsin.
Cheers!
...great choices A.W. - and a wonderful hub full of thought and great imagination - as always - you are a superstar here at pages of Hub - and it's your playground - your kingdom - and we are just happy my fine Canadian to be in your audience!
my five choice for great role models:
1. Mortimer Snerd
2. Crispin Glover
3. Screaming Lord Sutch
4. Screaming Jay Hawkins
5. Alfred E. Newman
Arthur- thought you'd like this hub : http://hubpages.com/hub/The-Divine-Bastards I found it very interesting.
Hey epigramman,
Fascinating choices! Two members of the Screaming dynasty make the list, I see.
Cheers!
Hey Pinkie,
That is an interesting article, thanks. I just skimmed it for now, but I'll read it fully later. I've been called a divine bastard a few times myself, so it's essential reading.
Cheers!
Yea, im guessing my son is a divine bastard...spencer says he will change the world. I cant argue with that, but i just hope he ends up happy.
7 or maybe 10! **grin**
I'm a good looking, humble genius.
Hey attemptedhumour,
Wow, you do a pretty good impression of me. How about Rodney Dangerfield now?
Cheers!
It's spelled 'quandary', darling. Or are you just trying to provide some weird people's minds more than sexy pix and ideas to pick up on? OK OK - I'll go read the thing! hahaha.
Aha - an explanation:
"A lady likes to see a little disorder" & in a writing hub, what better disorder than misspelling?
I'm still reading, let me get on with it. . . (I do know the kind of man who has appeal to me, but it's quite amusing to see what kind & characteristics you think are universally appealing!)
OK - I've read it all - and NOW I'm won over by your concluding statement:
"Attractive men don't have to seduce anyone, they simply are seductive." It might also be applicable to any one of any gender. ;-> Good work, my pet. Voting it up and a bunch of adjectives in addition to the adverb. LOL
Hey Nellianna,
You ever heard of the Principle of Charity? This is where one always makes the most generous assumptions about others--give them the benefit of the doubt, in other words. Maybe it was a typo and not a misspelling, hmm? ;)
I'd like to give you a little context about this seduction thing. There's this whole community, the 'seduction community,' of men who call themselves 'seduction artists.' Basically the 'gurus' of the community give a set of tricks for manipulating attractive women into bed, regardless, says they, of one's own looks. ("Be a billionaire" is not one of them, incidentally.) I didn't know about these people until they suddenly started getting public attention, even showing up on late night talk shows. Every one of these guys seemed cloying, smug, and oozing artificiality. I have no idea how anyone could stand to be within fifty feet of them. I'm guessing their tricks only work on very imperceptive and/or drunk women.
Thanks for dropping by! Glad you dig my jive, sistah.
Cheers!
Unlike Tom Selleck I have no chest hair but like Benny Hill I do occasionally slap an old bald man on the top of his head.
What a wit! I enjoyed your article so much I even chortled a few times. Like all great wit, it is also true.
Hey McMurphy,
The way to paradise is long and hard. Eat lots of hot sauce, grow chest hair quickly. Want a guide to hot sauce? Why, just consult my glorious hub on the subject.
Cheers!
Wow, the great James Watkins visits my hub? I'm flattergasted. (Made up a word for ya.)
Thanks for the kind words, amigo. Cheers!
Arthur,
I am so glad you wrote that treatise, and doubly so that I discovered it.
Now I can relax a bit, knowing it was you following me around the past few years, jotting notes in a little black book while thoughtfully nodding in assent.
That's OK, no charge.
Although you never fail to imbue your writing with humor and wit, I chose "useful" as an accolade because there is so much truth in what you say.
The funny thing is that those of us who recognize these attributes are usually those who possess them.
Ironic...once a monk and here you are still preaching to the choir!
I was an altar boy for 10 years, so I get it. But I don't bend at the waist, I still squat to pick things up off the floor.
CP
You are hilarious. I love it.
Though I have to say the thing I found sexiest about my husband when I first met him was his authenticity. And I love a man with a smooth chest...am I part of a minority?
Hey Christopher,
Testimonial from a man with a harem. I couldn't ask for more.
You can choose multiple accolades, man. Don't be cheap with those puppies.
Also, did you know qris'toffer'price is the old Quapaw word for 'He who squats like a swan'? True story.
Cheers!
Hey AR,
Thanks! Hey, too bad you're married. Laughing at my jokes at having sexy horn-framed glasses are the two thigns I look for in a lady.
I'm afraid you're part of the creepy, post-Baywatch minority. tch tch tch ;)
Cheers!
Oscar and Pepe ooze appeal. I bet when the cameras stopped rolling on Pepe’s ardent pursuits it was a different story – he has that Serge Gainsburg vibe.
There’s a statue of Oscar in Merrion Park, with etchings of some his most prized utterances, the man was a genius.
Great hub!
Brilliant hub. Funny and well written. I agree with the apophatic thing. As for Oscar Wilde, he was both gay and married (to a woman!). You may have something there;)
Great Hub! Ah Fabio and Pepe...(I like long hair.) Pepe has it all, I guess, with all that hair and animal magnetism.
Jane Bovary Level 1 Commenter 22 months ago
Thanks for sharing the secrets of incredible male magnetism with us Mr. Humble. Funnily enough...the most attractive man on that list is the gay guy.
I agree with you 100% on that Apophotic thing.
See you at the saloon