Questions Kids Ask
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Kids ask a lot of questions. Many of those questions seem kinda stupid. But you can't just say that to your kids. You can't let them see that you're stupid either. So you need to have some sort of answer prepared. There are really three broad options. A. You can know what you're talking about. That helps. B. You can give a witty and cynical answer that diffuses the situation and/or confuses the hell out of your kid. C. You can give an abusive answer that will immerse your child in a neurotic sea of self-doubting, guilt and angst. I'm not really biased toward any of these options, so y'know what I'll do? I'm gonna help you out on all three fronts. That's just the kinda guy I am.
Uncomfortable Questions Kids Ask
1. Where do babies come from?/ How are babies made? and variations
a. Hey! You know those egg things you eat for breakfast? Well sometimes they hatch into chicks, right? Yeah, they only do that if a rooster seeds them. See where I'm going with this? Mommy is full of eggs. And I'm like a rooster. Okay, next question.
b. Alcohol.
c. Babies are made from the bones of the old. That's why you can't see granny.
2. Why does daddy have a--? / Why doesn't mommy have a--?
a. Because mommies need to be warm baskets of eggs and daddies need magic wands to make the eggs hatch into babies. We went over this in question 1, kid!
b. So you'll need psychoanalysis.
c. You're a misshapen abomination. That's all.
3. What are you doing with/to mommy when the door is closed?
a. Well, first I make her wear the leather pants with the back-zipper. Then I cuff her to the bedpost and put in the ballgag. I then either jump on her repeatedly or slap my lower torso against her until she says the safeword, "chalcedony." It doesn't make us proud and we don't want you to see us in the embrace of Eros's sweet humilations. It's for your own good. 'kay?
b. Reminding her how much dinner sucked.
c. Making your replacement.
Rude Questions Kids Ask
1. Why is he so fat?
a. Because his caloric intake far exceeds the energy he expends in daily activity, making him a sort of balloon, if you will, of pure energy; and that energy is stored in the greasy, disgusting substance we call fat. [Ed: Note that by mentioning the word 'balloon' you communicate to the child that this is a person worthy of respect, because, hey, everybody likes balloons!]
b. Because his wife left him and he's descending inexorably into a hateful vortex of self-loathing.
c. Because he ate the last [insert child's name].
2. Why is she so ugly?
a. It's like putting foods together. There's a chance they'll taste good and a chance they won't. Sometimes people who don't taste good together don't figure that out until it's too late.
b. Darwin's efforts against overpopulation.
c. She has the same rare condition you do.
3. Why is that man so brown/white?
a. Well, when we climbed down from trees and started building McDonalds, some people lived where it was hot and some lived where it was cold. Now I know you're thinking the brown ones are cooked/the white ones aren't cooked. That's not correct. They evolved--you followin' me here?--they evolved darker skin to prevent sunburns and we evolved for camouflage in the snow.
b. He wants affirmative action.
c. Because you're adopted.
Science Questions Kids Ask
1. Why does it rain?
a. Well, when it's hot out water from sweaty animals and people and from swamps goes into the sky as steam. Then when the air gets cold, it just stops being steam and comes down for us to drink again.
b. It's a metaphor for all the horror and indecency of which you're ignorant in this dispicable world.
c. You're making god cry.
2. Why is the sea salty?
a. Because salt is a mineral called 'sodium' and it pours out of deepsea volcanoes, which are kind of like mineralnipples pouring forth the milk of sodium, y'see.
b. Better preserves the bodies.
c. Probably something you did.
3. Where does the moon go during the day?
a. The Earth is but an insignificant speck of rock, a mere nothing, spinning wildly as we revolve around a burning ball of gas called the 'sun'. During the day, we've spun so the moon is on the other side.
b. It goes to spy on bedding couples.
c. Hiding from you.
An Awkward Question Kids Ask
Why aren't mommy and daddy married?
a. Well, young one, the marital institution is an ancient and potentially oppressive one very valuable in the primitive social conditions in which it developed thousands of years ago but today no longer necessary for the upbringing of children.
b. Love, mostly temporary in this heartless, cruel world, was weighted down in a pool of resentment, self-pity, and passive-aggressive behaviour until it died an ignominious death, choking on its own phlegm.
c. Because you turned us against one another like two WalMart shoppers fighting over the last on-sale hideous purple sweater with the huge glittery-kitten print.
That's all the questions we have time for today. If you have any questions kids ask that you'd like to see answered, put 'em in the comments and, if I like 'em, I'll write a Volume 2.
Well, after that display of parenting wisdom, I can imagine you single ladies out there will be clamouring to make me the father of your eventual babies. If you're really eager to be the bearer of my offspring, do send me an email with a nice picture of yourself and I'll consider if you are indeed the vessel in which to implant my seed.
For the rest of you, good luck with the parenting! And remember, a bad answer is better than no answer at all.
CommentsLoading...
yes some questions are really awkward to answer but there should be a way to answer it the "noble" way
Two things seem to me to be helpful in answering kids' questions. They require another thing: respect for the person the kid IS. The answers given to his/her serious questins will determine much that happens to him/her the rest of his/her life. So it's profound and not a time to be clever, cute or sarcastic.
1) simplicity. They really do just want to know what time it is when the little hand is on the 9 and the big hand is on the 6. They haven't even thought about where the clock came from, how it works or who makes a nasty capitalist profit off the unsuspecting public who buy their clocks!
2) truthful clarity (or clear truth: your choice on this one). Just give the kid a straight answer which answers his question and will hold water as he fills in more truth matching his ability to comprehend it. That way, he may still have enough confidence in you to help him understand at that level too.d Not only that, it really will be an indication you might have some help then too!
Kids always want to ask me what the meaning of "cuss" words are, as if I'm the profane Webster or something. I'm not sure why they always come to me, but kids I've never seen before will ask, "which is worse, the "d" word or the "s" word? Which is the bigger insult, "b-1" or "b-2"? Usually I will tell them that if they still don't know in three years, come back and ask me again.
This was my laugh for the day. Thanks.
Mike
Hi CM - haha, yeah, we take for granted all the concepts we use, so it can be shocking when children question them. The comedian Louis CK has a great bit about his daughter asking him questions. It's at the end of this video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4u2ZsoYWwJA - he's a rather foul-mouthed comic, though.
Cheers!
Hi eternaltreasures,
This is a comedy hub. If you're looking for Christian advice, I'm sure there are other hubs that will meet your needs. Cheers!
Hey Nellie,
Thanks for dropping in. This certainly isn't genuine parenting advice. In fact, in the tags you'll find "bad parenting advice." The humour is supposed to be generated by the preposterous things someone taking this advice would be telling children. I took a bit of a risk with this hub, as it's edgier than my usual humour. I felt a bit awkward about publishing it and still do. I've already lost two followers since publishing it.
Your advice is very sound, Nellie. I can't argue, not being a parent. But I would contend that in dealing with one's own children, there's always time to be clever; humour and respect are not mutually exclusive.
"God save us from boring saints!" - Theresa of Avila.
Cheers!
lol Mike, that's great. I guess you just look like the sorta guy who knows his cusswords. Take it as a compliment.
Thanks for dropping by. Cheers!
Hey Arthur, I'm sure you asked a lot of questions when you were a tyke, see what it got you, all the answers to questions the kids are asking today, your mam must be proud of you, hah. Answering questions to kids today is like trying to get sticky taffy out from between your teeth. Kinda sorta like sure son I will answer that question as soon as I can unstick my tongue from the roof of my mouth. hah..I simply don't answer their questions, I compile the 10 most often asked questions, write in the answers and stick it in their lunch bucket each day come up with 10 more and answer those, till eventually I've answered them all. Hah...Thanks for the read, you broke me up, I'm struggling to lift myself from the floor.
This may be a comedy hub - and it is really very funny, but despite the good humor, you've put out some brilliant "A" answers to some really tough questions. If I had kids I'd write those down for future reference. Well done. Rated up and useful.
Hey saddlerider!
haha that's a good method you've worked out there. It'll even help with their reading skills. Covers all the bases.
You know, I do recall one question I asked as a kid. Or rather, my mom recalled it for me. When I was about 4, I asked my mom, "Why aren't you as pretty as the moms on TV?" lol how cruel is that? I guess Freud wouldn't know what to make of me. "You mean you're not creepily attracted to your mom?" Nope, only you, Freud.
Thanks for dropping by!
Hey GL!
I have? No-one's more shocked than me. hehehe
Seriously, thanks for the vote of confidence. Maybe I'll make a good father after all. Still in search of a womb. Kind of a Pirandello thing.
Cheers!
Hi, Arthur. Your (a) answers are exceptionally pertinent. And the others, exceptionally funny. Bravo.
The first one, Where do babies come from? reminded me of the story of the young child who asked his parents, "Where did I come from?" They spent the next 30 minutes uncomfortably explaining the facts of life to him.
When finished, his dad asked, "Why did you ask?" The kid replies, "Because Artie down the street comes from Detroit!"
Hey Doc!
Another supporter of my (a) answers. I'm a little shocked. I tried to be truthful in those, but they're a little odd. hehehe Although I might be willing to try the "mommy is full of eggs" or the "he's an energy balloon" answers.
lol love the story! Yeah, good to clarify your child's question before embarking on a Journey from which there's no return.
Cheers!
Hey arthur. Once again, here i am laughing. As you know, im a mom, and my goal is to be the "funny" mom. I can;t wait for my kid to get old enough to ask me these questions, not that i'll use these answers, lol. But just the thought if going back to them in my head when he does actually ask is funny. Because of you, if he asks me or spencer what we were doing in the bedroom, in my head its going to be all ball gags and leather masks.lol I can only hope that i come up with something that is less likely to scare the shi* out of him. haha. Once again your intelligence is only surpassed by your commedic genius!
Hey Pinkie!
lol come on, "Mommy's full of eggs" is a fine answer! hehe
Wait a minute, I never mentioned a 'leather mask.' The gimp mask was all your idea, lady. ;)
I can tell your boy is going to grew up to have an exquisite sense of humour.
Cheers!
mask...um...you didnt say that?...lol
remember that show Arthur - perhaps not - Art Linkletter's Kids say the darndest things - and the time Art said to the little boy - son do you look like your mummy or daddy - and the little boy said - I look like the milkman - or maybe he looked like Arthur Windermere!!!
which is time for a new top ten -
What are the ten things that Pamela Lee Anderson would do for her new man Arthur W -
10. she would finally block Tommy Lee out of her mind
9. she would make Arthur her toy boy
8. or is it boy toy?
7. she would move back up to Canada even though their hunters still beat the living crap out of the seals up here.
6. she would put some clothes back on
5. and play the good little housewife role (who just so happens to fool around with the milkman -remember him)
4. she would learn all of the big words and concepts of your hubs as long as you agree to spell them in phonetics
3. she would get breast reduction and go back down to 44 DD
2. she would raise her IQ back to 44 DD
1. she would kick that other no good Canadian wench and hussy out of your home - Elisha Cuthbert!
Hey epigramman,
hehe I remember Kids Say the Darnedest Things. Not the version you're thinking of. It was resurrected in the '90s with Bill Cosby.
Well thanks for another amusing top 10. lol
I think Pam would have to be comfortable staying a mere consort, because I'm guessin' her womb is more barren than a salt mine and I have all this seed to plant.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have to take this milk around.
Yup, uh-huh, yeah - I guess I did earn that rebuke for actualy taking it a bit too seriously this time. But in my defense, I did actually notice it was written in the spirit of humour and in the spirit of shoving their little questions up-theirs, but somehow got carried away on an imaginary sea of eager young faces of - what is is now for me? - oh yes - 3 consecutive generations past my own of yet more curious progeny, some from whom I might not mind being asked about stuff I can still recall. But, alas, they usually just talk it over amongst themselves, and smile indulgently at us old fogeys if they notice us at all, so we don't get much chance to show off or even practice showing off our with-it knitting-needle wisdom except amongst ourselves at the old-folks' home.
In all seriousness, you're right - respect and humour aren't mutually exclusive; though while we're being a bit serious, I just must mention that I've seen humour backfire badly in child-raising situations more often than respect has, especially in cases of severely sarcastic humour. Plus another pitfall is that unwary parents are quickly matched and bested at it by quick-witted kiddos. hmm - But sarsastic respect might fare even worse. Makes me happy my eligibility for all that is already well behind me!
I like that "God save us from boring saints!" quotation! I should say so!! In fact being saved from any saints has much to recommend it! This quote reminded me of an online gal friend who declared, "God save me from honorable men!" She was a human orchid, Arthur - you wouldn't have been safe around her for any longer than it takes a petal to fall, especially if doing the readings, flexing your bare toes and tousling your hair! Luckily, though, she lives in Vancouver, so sheer distance will help, just so long as no flower essences are wafted across the continent in her direction.
Good writing, sir! You always keep me spellbound. And I'm not foolish enough to take much of it too seriously. Honestly!
Scarily accurate. Questions this week: by my 4 year old son, "Mom, can I see your penis?" and question by my daughter's best friend, 8, "what's a ball sack?" Offspring are always so fun!
Hey Nellie,
Glad you revisited this hub. I wonder if I'll have mellowed out after, having spread my powerful seed far and wide, I've produced three generations of children? Well, we're gonna find out! Probably not, though. "Don't ask grandpa Jared questions, or he'll discombobulate you. True story."
Humour can backfire, I suppose, but it depends on the context in and attitude with which it's used. Plus, kids are remarkably resilient creatures. As long as they're getting positive attention...
haha well, thanks to my poetry we know how naughty orchids are. While my floral essences have no limit, I do withhold them until I'm sure I want to pollenate.
Don't worry, Nellie: You're too smart to be either boring or a saint. Thank god. ;)
Cheers!
Hey Randy,
lol I love the ball sack question. If I ever do a sequel to this hub, that question's going in.
Cheers!
AW,
no kids yet huh... maybe that proves there is a God after all huh.... *tee hee*. As for answers to some of the one question why aren't you and mommy married/together i should have told my daughter because your mom is a lying cheating whore who was screwing your stupid neanderthal like F'ing step-father behind my back whilke you were a still baby. Although maybe ill save that for a wedding toast....Thanks that was really theraputic....
TH
Hey Tom,
You're a commentin' machine! Thanks for dropping by on so many of my hubs.
No, no kids yet. I just haven't found a suitable vessel in which to implant my seed. But hey, I'll be coming soon to a uterus near you.
Haha sure, and it helps if you mention mom is a kitten-eating Nazi.
Cheers!
Great answers to questions my kids have actually asked. I find that in any situation, if you speak with authority, kids, and people in general, will believe whatever you say. Works especially well in Wyoming.
Namaste.
Kids say the darndest things but they are still kids. If only we can escape saying things like kids do, LOL! I'm with you on that one about Tom. He's a commenting machine.:)
Hey Namaste,
lol that's a good point. Politicians and scientists use it all the time. There was a study done where groups of people looks at four lines. A separate, then BCD. They had to match A to one of the lines in BCD. It was very obvious that one of them, say B, was the match. C was too short, and D too long. A few people in the group were secretly working with the researchers and instructed to be utterly convinced D was the correct line. Despite B being the obvious answer, something like 32% of the people went with D just because the shills seemed utterly convinced. Amazing, huh?
Cheers!
Hey Hubpageswriter the Elder,
As it happens, I also say the darnedest things. All my parenting skills come from a Tamagotchi. And I used to purposely over-feed my friends' Tamagotchi's till they died. lol So, you won't see me called for a paternity test on Maury any time soon.
Cheers!
OH my god....I am absolutely dieing laughing. Reminds me of children's book titles that never made it...like.."Mommy Drinks Because You Cry". Fantastic. Next time I am fed up with 'questions' I will read this again. Loved it!!!!!
Oh wait, I just noticed Randy's questions there. AHHAHAHAHAH ok...I need some water...
Hey DoorMouse,
Wow, you're my ideal audience! Glad I could make you laugh.
You should write a hub on children's book titles that never made it. My only request is that there be at least one book about a kitten with a bowel disorder.
Cheers!
haha wow this hub certainly made me laugh its hilerious! haha thanks for putting a smile on my face- now i know how to respond to my six year old cousin when he asks me an awkward question and there's no way out of it. thanks!
- RoseAsauresRex
Just come across this now as it was promoted by a question I was looking at . Sure gave me a good laugh thinking to back when my girls were young ! LOL!
CMHypno Level 6 Commenter 23 months ago
I took my friend's 4 year old to the park a few weeks ago and there was a bridal party having their pictures taken. There were lots of questions about veils etc, and then I was asked why were wedding dresses always white. Without thinking I replied that the white was a sign of purity, so the next thing that I had to try and explain was purity. It really is a minefield!